Category Archives: Conflict Resolution

Doing a 2020 Recap

Doing a 2020 Recap title image

Doing a 2020 Recap

This past weekend our church did a service revolving around a 2020 recap. There were a few testimonials of people discussing what they’ve learned from 2020, how the year has been impactful for them, or what God had done for them over the past year. It got me to thinking… “How WOULD I recap this past year?”

One of our yearly Christmas traditions came to mind as I was thinking about this. Each year at Christmas we get each of our kids a Christmas ornament for that year. These ornaments usually reflect an event or milestone or memory from the year. This year as I was shopping for their ornament, I knew I wanted it to be 2020 related but not just referring to all of the COVID-19 stuff as so many of them were. I wanted it to reflect the many, many crazy events that took place during 2020—a kind of a 2020 recap on the ornament.

I ended up settling on a type of word cloud ornament. As I was reading through all of the items listed on the ornament, I found myself saying, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” It had things like Kobe Bryant’s death, the Australian fires, travel bans, birthday parades, virtual graduations, virtual meetings, distance learning, of course the whole Coronavirus pandemic themed things (quarantine, panic buying, toilet paper shortage, social distancing, face masks, front line heroes and essential workers, etc.), murder hornets, the Beirut explosion, and BLM protests. (It was missing the whole presidential election fiasco which was odd.) It did seem to sum up events of the year pretty well.

On a personal level

While this was a great 2020 recap of the year’s events, it still wasn’t a very personal reflection of the year. I thought about how my mom often does this in her Christmas or end-of-year letters where she summarizes the whole family’s yearly goings-on. So, I started to make a list (although not completely comprehensive)… Continue reading

7 Ways to Cope With an Annoying Friend

Learn 7 ways to cope with an annoying friend...

7 Ways to Cope With an Annoying Friend

**Updated: Originally posted 5/5/2015

I’ve discovered with age that people tend to get on my nerves a lot more.  I don’t like people as easily as I used to.  Quite frankly, I have less patience to put up with people’s crap.  This has sometimes made it difficult for me to create relationships with people that annoy me I went through a period several years ago where I was having to relearn how to be a friend.

It was actually kind of weird and awkward.  I always considered myself a person who makes friends easily.  I had a lot of friends in high school, in college, and at work.  Unfortunately though, due to seasons in life, transitions, and seasons of friendships, there was a period where I found myself with fewer close friends than I used to have.  I just assumed making close friends would be easy, a piece of cake.  I had a wake-up call–it wasn’t!  It takes work.  I had to be a lot more intentional and purposeful about it.

Something I learned was that I had to put myself out there and step outside of my comfort zone a lot.  I had to place myself in settings where making and cultivating friendships was possible.  Through that process there were a lot of people that I just flat-out didn’t like.  They were annoying!  Who wants an annoying friend?  Therefore, I would immediately write a lot of people off…

Annoying friend alert!!  She’s a know-it-all (imagine a loud buzzer sound here)

Annoying friend alert!!  She talks too much (buzzer sound again)

Annoying friend alert!!  She talks like an immature teenager (another buzzer sound)

Annoying friend alert!!  She’s selfish, always wants to do things her way, interrupts me all the time, brags too much… (buzzer, buzzer, buzzer)

Common denominator

I’m sure you get the picture.  I could go on and on about why I decided someone would be an annoying friend.  The thing is, it seemed like anyone I met somehow got on my nerves.  Then I realized… Continue reading

Apologizing Doesn’t Remove All Consequences

Apologizing Doesn’t Remove All Consequences

Apologizing Doesn’t Remove All Consequences

**Updated: Originally posted 11/22/2016

A few years ago my son and daughter were arguing after church. Surprise. Surprise. Why do kids argue over the stupidest things? My daughter had actually won a prize at church, a giant Pixy Stix. They started arguing over if she would share or not. When she went to put her coat on before we walked out to the car she needed someone to hold her Pixy Stix. She wouldn’t hand it to her brother but to me instead. Apparently he got mad because he was “trying to help her”. I’m sure he had other ulterior motives too. So he spouted off in a hateful tone, “I was just trying to help you! You’re a piece of crap!”

After I picked my jaw up off the floor at the nastiness that just spewed out of his mouth, I quickly informed him that we DO NOT talk like that to people. I also advised him that he would definitely not be getting any of that Pixy Stix now.

When we got to the car I made him do the 4-step apology (or as we call it now, “apologize the right way”). We had some further, lengthy “discussion” about his attitude and the ease with which he flung his verbal assault. After some conversation, the tension ceased. Something else lighthearted created peace between the two siblings again; for the life of me I can’t remember what it was now.

Then, I had that motherly 6th sense as I was driving. My daughter, the forgiving soul that she is, gave her brother some of her Pixy Stix candy.

So hollering behind me…

Me: “Are you eating some of that Pixy Stix?!”

My son: “Yes, she gave me some.”

Me: “I told you NO Pixy Stix.”

My son: “But I apologized and she forgave me.”

Me: “Apologies don’t delete consequences. Just because you said you were sorry doesn’t mean that your punishment disappears. Just because she forgave you doesn’t make the hurt you caused her disappear.”

Then I remembered an exercise that I sometimes do with my classes to demonstrate a point. Continue reading

What Does the Bible Say About Apologizing?

What Does The Bible Say About Apologizing title image

What Does the Bible Say About Apologizing?

Someone recently said to me that you can’t find someone saying “I’m sorry” anywhere in the Bible. In all honesty, it’s an accurate statement…to an extent. Those exact words may not have been used (depending on the translation you use). Even so, I had never heard the word “yeet” until my teenagers started using it this past year (insert rolling eyes and face slap). Although the exact words “I’m sorry” might not be mentioned in scripture, there most certainly is much discussion about confession (to God and others), repentance, seeking forgiveness, and making peace. The terminology and exact wording may just look a little different.

So what DOES the Bible say about apologizing?

Apologizing requires humility

Apologizing takes humility, and humility is a character that God greatly values! When we humble ourselves and apologize to others (which can almost always be extremely difficult to do), we are showing honor and respect to those we have wronged. Apologizing comes from a humbled heart, and God honors and favors this trait.

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”” James 4:6 (NIV)

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.” James 4:10 (NLT)

“In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”” 1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)

“Though the LORD is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud.” Psalm 138:6 (NLT)

“The LORD mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.” Proverbs 3:34 (NLT)

“Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.” Proverbs 29:23 (NLT)

“But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12 (NLT)

Apologizing consists of confess your sins and making reconciliation

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True Repentance: What to look for…

True repentance: what to look for...

True Repentance: What to look for…

You hear about people that have done things to hurt or wrong others and then apologize and immediately relationships are restored. Then, that same person may turn around and repeat that same offense only to cause further hurt and damage trust in their relationships. The offended may feel frustrated and confused because the offender apologized, and they truly felt it was genuine. So what happened? Did they restore relationship too quickly? Was the offender really sincere in their apology? Was there really true repentance?

Unfortunately though, sometimes people deliver apologies or want to restore relationship without having true repentance. There are some gauges we can use to discern whether or not a person is indeed fully and completely repentant. There is some evidence that we can look for as well as some indicators that they may not be at a place of full and true repentance yet.

Let’s take a look…

Genuine apologies are offered in true repentance

Previously, I wrote a post about how to apologize effectively. In that post I mentioned a book that Dr. Gary Chapman co-authored with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=hapheapro-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0802407048 in which they detail the study of apologies and how people give and receive them.  The goal of their book was to help people “learn the techniques to effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch relationships thrive as a result”.

The five basic languages of apology are:

  1. Accept Responsibility—this is basically just admitting you are wrong and accepting full responsibility for your actions
  2. Expressing Regret—this is a genuine “I’m sorry” and show of remorse for causing pain
  3. Make Restitution—in this form of apology you commit to making things right
  4. Genuinely Repent—this shows the sincere desire to modify your behavior and future actions
  5. Request Forgiveness—in this apology language you recognize the need for forgiveness, and you physically ask for forgiveness

A genuine apology that contains all five of these aspects may be an indicator of true repentance. However, words can only go so far, and as the saying goes…actions speak louder than words. So there are some other things to look for as well. Continue reading

“Test Me”…Caution: Invites Harsh Conditions

Test Me-Caution Invites Harsh Conditions title image

“Test Me”…Caution: Invites Harsh Conditions

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24

I’ve mentioned before that it’s a good practice to start your quiet times or Bible reading times with these verses in Psalms as a prayer:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24

It’s a great way to do a regular heart check and listen for God to reveal anything to us that we might need to work on. I actually have these verses written inside the cover of my journals as a daily opening prayer. First, I’ll pray these verses. Then, I’ll try to sit quietly and just listen and pay attention to anything that comes to mind. If something does, I’ll confess it right then and repent, asking God to basically clean me up!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

Recently I saw Psalm 139:23-24 from a different perspective and realized that there might be a little more to this request than just sitting and listening for God to show me areas that need some work or improvement.

“Test”: Hebrew (H974) בָּחַן bâchan

A couple of weeks ago as I was going through this process of saying the verses, the words “test me” stood out to me. That’s usually a prompt for me to dig in a little deeper. So I did! I looked up the Hebrew word for “test” used here in this verse.

“test”: Hebrew (H974) בָּחַן bâchan

The Hebrew definition stated that it means to try, improve, examine, scrutinize, tempt, try/trial, to investigate, or to test (especially metals). Then the part about testing metals stood out to me. Immediately an analogy came to mind.

We like to watch the show “Forged in Fire” on the History Channel where they make weapons, typically knives and swords, out of metal. Throughout the show, which is a competition, they test the weapons (and therefore the metal). This testing phase is to see how the weapons hold up, to see where weaknesses or imperfections are, and to make sure the weapons can withstand use in battle.

Therefore, when I am praying Psalm 139:23-24 not only am I asking got to point out things in me that He doesn’t like, I’m also asking Him to test me like the metal of those weapons on “Forged in Fire” to find any flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections. These are things that may hinder me later which can cause me not to be able to fight any physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual battles properly. Additionally, weaknesses or flaws could potentially cause me to “break” if not identified and dealt with.

The “test me” phase

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Do Not Resent the Good Fortune of Others

Do not resent the good fortune of others title photo

Do Not Resent the Good Fortune of Others

During the Christmas season I sent out an email to my subscribers informing them of a holiday hiatus. I unfortunately received a very hurtful and critical reply. After the holidays and vacation time, I prayed and thought about this exchange and felt like this would be a good, teachable moment for my readers. The lesson is on learning how to rejoice with those who rejoice and learning not to begrudge or resent the good fortune of others.

I’ll first share my initial email to my subscribers and the response I received. Then, I’ll share a reply to that response. After that, I’ll communicate what God put on my heart about the importance of celebrating the good fortune of others instead of being offended by it and what the posture of our heart should be.

My initial email sent out to notify I wouldn’t be posting for a while:

“Hello Happy, Healthy & Prosperous Subscribers! 

There will be no new teaching posts for the next few weeks. I’ll be taking a holiday hiatus! I’ll be in Europe for a bit to celebrate my 20 year wedding anniversary (so excited!!). It’s also my goal to make the most of the time with my kids and family to celebrate Christmas.  I encourage you to do the same!  Please don’t let the busyness of the season get in the way of your most important relationships.  Make the most of the opportunities you have while you still have them!

“How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.  Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” James 4:14-17 (NLT)

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16 (NIV)

May you and your families have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26 (ESV)

I’ll see you again in 2020!

Tracy 🙂 “

A reader’s email response:

“Seriously have to flaunt your personal life? It’s such a snub to people who are single. Whatever.”

My reaction or reply to this reader’s response…

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Is God Enlarging Your Capacity?

Is God Enlarging Your Capacity image

Is God Enlarging Your Capacity?

I mentioned recently that I’ve been coming across a lot of opposition in a variety of areas. At times it’s seemed a bit overwhelming, and it started getting me to question why I was getting hit with so much. My boss at the college where I teach even joked with me not long ago saying, “Why are you always the one getting all of these weird, off-the-wall situations?” To which I responded, “You know, I’d really like to know the answer to that!” Well…I think I got it.

One morning after teaching one of my classes at Glory House, I was visiting with Ms. Susie, the Executive Director, about all the junk that I had been dealing with lately. During our conversation I said, “Why am I ALWAYS the one getting this stuff and having to deal with this stuff?” Ms. Susie answered quite frankly, “God is enlarging your capacity.”

Then I was like, “Oh no! I’ve been praying exactly that–for God to enlarge my capacity!” (insert face slap) I had prayed those exact words “enlarge my capacity”. These things were happening as an answer to my own prayer…an indirect answer of course! God didn’t just enlarge my capacity. He allowed me to encounter challenges that would stretch me and force my capacity to increase, to make my normal capacity boundary lines larger. I guess this is kind of like when people warn you not to pray for patience! Because you don’t just automatically get patience, you get opportunities for your patience to grow.

Our capacity must increase

About a month prior to this conversation, I had done a Bible reading plan about growing leadership capacity. In the plan, it said that in order “to see our dreams fulfilled and to continue having influence in God’s Kingdom, our capacity must increase.”[1] It talked about facing challenges, pressure, and stress to adjust our ability to manage those things (because we need to reach our potential). We don’t get rid of these things by running from them.

“The key to increasing your capacity is to decide you will allow God to work in your life, to stretch you beyond your comfort zone and enlarge your capacity to overcome challenges.”[2]

Easier is not always better. This reminded me of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. It HAS to go through the struggle and the challenge of fighting its way out of that cocoon. Those stresses and pressures against it are what enable it to become stronger. Without that process, the butterfly would be too weak to do what it was intended to do, and the same is true for us at times. Sometimes we need the struggle to make us stronger and to enlarge our capacity and ability to accomplish the things that God has called us to do.

Making room for growth by enlarging capacity

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