How to Validate Others
Updated Post (*originally published 8/14/14)
“A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble.” Proverbs 17:17 (NCV)
Humans have a need for validation. More recently I’ve become more acutely aware of this. Some of you make be thinking, “What the heck does she mean by validate? Isn’t that where you get verification of visiting someplace to get out of paying the parking fees?!” Well, that’s one definition! However, I’m talking about the kind of validation where we verify and recognize that a person’s feelings are indeed genuine and show understanding of those feelings.
I have been hurt by well-meaning friends, family and even my husband at times because they failed to validate my feelings about a situation. Most of the time my feelings are either minimized or judged, and then I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I HATE the emotion of leaving a conversation feeling worse than when I started.
Some wise advice
My sister, Shawna, said it perfectly once (she’s very wise 🙂 AND a very good validator by the way):
“Some people are not empathizers. They are not gifted at seeing through other’s eyes or trying to feel through their feelings. People often play the devil’s advocate, when all we need ‘in this moment’ is to feel understood, to feel someone try to comprehend our frustrations. Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate is not what people need in their first moments. Often they need to be understood first. When you get your feelings out (and often out-of-the-way) THEN you can look at things constructively for purpose and dealing with the situation.”
See! Isn’t she wise? She hit the nail on the head. Also, to validate someone does NOT mean that you have to agree with them or believe that they are right. Most of the time people just need to feel heard, not that you agree with them.
When people are not validated properly, sometimes damage is done to a relationship. Trust may be lost. Emotional distance may be created. A feeling of “safety” in pouring their heart out to you may dissipate. If invalidation continues and becomes a pattern, the relationship may be replaced with another that does provide validation, or worse, the relationship may be severed completely.
