Tag Archives: Communication with others

Be An Encourager…Make More Positive Comments

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Be An Encourager…Make More Positive Comments

Be An Encourager…Make More Positive Comments

Lately, we’ve been discussing some of the downsides of communication with others.  Negative communication is often inevitable so we talked about how to avoid making negative comments and how to respond to critical and sometimes hurtful communication when we are on the receiving end.  On the flip side though, not only is it important to avoid making damaging comments, but it’s valuable to go the extra mile to make positive comments and to point out the good in situations.

I previously completed a six-part series of devotions on my YouVersion Bible app that was based on the Stay Positive series by Pastor Craig Groeschel, the Senior Pastor at Life Church.  Something that Pastor Groeschel said really stood out to me (which was an indicator that it was something that I need to work on).  He said if you think something good, you should say it and that you should never rob somebody else of a blessing. He said we should be a tool of God to be a voice of encouragement to other people on a daily basis.  His advice was that anytime we think something good about somebody else we should turn it into a gift of encouragement.

“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:13 (NIV) 

Anytime we think something good about somebody else we should say it! #encourager

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God is an encourager

In fact, God himself is an encourager.  We need to be like God and be encouragers too!  When we encourage others, we are showing and being a little part of God to somebody else…somebody who may really need it.

“But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.” 2 Corinthians 7:6 (NLT)

I often think good things about other people, but I’m not always the best at vocalizing positive comments.  So after Pastor Groeschel’s advice, I’ve been trying to do better about immediately saying, calling, or texting whoever it is that I may have had a positive thought about.

If I see something my sister has done that is super creative, I should try to remember to call her and tell her and not just think about it. If I’m grateful for something Eric has done, even something small, I should send him a text at work just to say “thanks, I appreciated when you…”  If one of my kids did something to make me laugh or smile, I should stop right then and tell them that they make me happy.  They are all simple little things that I typically just think about and pass over every day, but when I do so I am essentially robbing them of a blessing.

What if we encouraged more than we complained?

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How to Avoid Making Negative Comments

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Learn some steps to avoid the trap of making negative comments.

How to Avoid Making Negative Comments

I get several comments posted to my blog articles.  Unfortunately, not all of them are very nice.  Sometimes it’s hard not to take things personally.  At one point, I had been getting so many negative comments in such a short time frame that when I would get an e-mail informing me that I had a new comment to moderate I would moan and hang my head in dread of what I was about to read.

Once, I was at my sister’s house, and my e-mail chimed alerting me of a new comment.  “Not again.” I groaned.  “What’s wrong?” my sister asked.  “I’ve got another comment to moderate.  I’m afraid to look at it.” I said.  “Here, let me read it first,” she suggested.  I handed her my phone.  Thankfully she smiled as she read it and said, “It’s a good one.”  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Fortunately, I have received a number of positive and encouraging comments too.  Why is it that the bad ones seem to overpower the good?  It’s no wonder Paul urges us to keep our focus on positive and good things.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 (NLT)

Focusing on negative comments will weigh us down

Focusing on the negative will only bring us down.  It will cause us anxiety and worry (Philippians 4:6), and it could even cause us to get so worked up that we might act out in our emotions and say or do things that we regret.  I think that’s probably what happens when people post nasty things or negative comments on my site.  They probably read something that they disagreed with or that potentially offended them, and then they acted out of their emotion.

Unfortunately, technology these days has cultivated an environment where it is easy for people to be passive-aggressive. People say things online or via technology that they would never say to someone face-to-face.

In light of that, I have a fairly strict comment policy on my site to protect my visitors from negative comments that could hurt or hinder them.  I had to lay out some simple ground rules in order to enable constructive conversation while discouraging rude, disrespectful, sarcastic, offensive, divisive, or off-topic negative comments.  I don’t even want to foster an atmosphere that’s conducive to arguments taking place on my site.  That’s not God’s purpose for my site.  I want my site to be a place of peace.

Scriptural communication guidelines

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Are You Salty? Do You Have the Qualities of Salt? Part 1

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Are You Salty? Do You Have the Qualities of Salt? Part 1: Learn some of the qualities of salt and how you can use these qualities to make a difference in the world around you & in your spheres of influence.

Are You Salty? Do You Have the Qualities of Salt? Part 1 of 2

Be Salt and Light 

“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 5:13-16 (NLT)

“Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other.” Mark 9:50 (NLT)

Each college term I pray to be the kind of person that my students will look at and see as something different, somebody that stands out from their normal college professors.  I want them to see Jesus in me, without even knowing that I am a Christian.  I want to be what the Bible calls “salt”.

When I originally wrote this post a few years ago, I was so excited because I had such a great group of young women and men in my college classes.  It was really an answered prayer of sorts.  I spent a lot of time in prayer that previous summer for the students that I would be teaching that upcoming fall semester.  As is my habit, I prayed for God to place the right students into my classes, the students that I could really help and with whom I could make a difference.  Sometimes as a teacher it’s hard to tell if I’m making a difference or getting through.  From the bottom of my heart, I want to speak into their lives and make a lasting impact.  I want to be that “salt” in their lives.

Opportunities to be salt

That following fall I had some pretty amazing, strong Christians, many of them already possessing some of the qualities of salt.  This is sometimes rare on a public college campus—to have strong Christian students that speak outright about their faith.  I could already tell that they are going to do something big someday!  They are going to be powerhouses for the kingdom of God and I feel so honored to play a small role in their lives.

My friend and fellow praying mom, Gwen, pointed out that it’s pretty cool that I would get an opportunity to speak into the lives of these students in a different way.  I got a chance to impact their walk with God and their influence on others.  I got to have conversations with them on a different level.  There were opportunities to teach them and show them how to be salt in action.  It was like on-the-job training!

Explaining how NOT to be salt

That semester I had a conversation after class with a few of my students. A couple of them mentioned that I was the only Christian professor that they had (which is not unusual for a public college).  We had some discussions about classmates, friends, and professors who are not Christians, and we spoke about opportunities to walk out our Christian faith in a potentially adversarial environment.

Some of them were struggling with people who disagreed with their beliefs and lifestyle. We talked about it being pointless and even counter-productive to argue with people who don’t have the same beliefs we do.  I told them we can sometimes do more harm than good if we try to coerce, force, or convince people of our beliefs (more about that here).  Actually, I encouraged them NOT to do this for that very reason, even though it’s in our nature to do so.  I told them that it was a hard lesson I had to learn, myself, as a student because I tend to be pretty vocal.  Those of you who know me well are probably snickering right now thinking that I just made a massive understatement. 🙂

I explained the importance of letting their life (what they do and how they act) speak louder than their words.

*Click here to read more about letting your life and actions speak louder than your words here.

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:1-4 (NIV)

or said another way…

“…Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words…” 1 Peter 3:1 (NLT)

But first…relationship

I’ve learned from experience that it’s actually more effective to live a life of example, be a role model, and show love.  Pastor Whitney George said something once at church that has always stuck with me.  He said, “You have to win people to yourself before you can ever win them to the Lord.”  In essence, before you can truly speak into the life of another person you have to have some sort of relationship or rapport there.

You have to win people to yourself before you can ever win them to the Lord.

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Before you can truly speak into the life of another person there must first be relationship there.

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So then our first goal must be to win people to us….we must love them first.  Serving and loving on people is the best thing that we can ever do for the kingdom of God.

“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Matthew 22:37-39 (NLT)

Walk the walk, not just talk the talk

We discussed that it’s actually more effective to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  We need to teach others about Jesus by our actions.  Let our lifestyle and deeds speak for us.  People should be able to tell we are Christians without us even saying a word.  There should be something different about us.  We should have Jesus’ face shining in ours.  People should see light in our faces.  People should like us and not even know why.  We need to follow the instructions of Jesus and be salt and light to the people we come across in our lives.

“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 5:13-16 (NLT) 

“Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other.” Mark 9:50 (NLT)

In order to be like salt, we need to learn some of the qualities of salt, how we can be like them, and start putting them to work.

Some Qualities of Salt:

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Scriptures for Empathy

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Scriptures for Empathy

We’ve recently been discussing empathy…the decline of empathy in the present culture, the importance of empathy and how it’s integral to our relationships, examples of how both God and Jesus have empathy, defining what empathy is, some of the reasons for using empathy, some examples in scripture of using empathy, and learning how to have and improve empathy. To further enhance those discussions, I’ve put together this resource page of scriptures for empathy.

This list of scriptures for empathy provides a compilation of verses about various facets or components of empathy.

Sharing others’ emotions

“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” 1 Corinthians 12:26 (NIV)

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 (NIV)

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 (NLT)

“When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some.” 1 Corinthians 9:22 (NLT)

“Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.” Philippians 4:14 (NLT)

Showing compassion

“You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.” Luke 6:36 (NLT)

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

“Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.” Philippians 2:1-2 (NLT)

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

Comforting, encouraging, and building up others

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Using Empathy: The Practical and the Scriptural

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Using Empathy: The Practical and the Scriptural

Previously we talked about how there has been a decline in empathy and the importance of using an empathy filter and thinking before we speak so as not to hurt relationships. This week I’d like to take our discussion of empathy a step further to address both some of the practical and scriptural elements of using empathy. We’ll talk about what empathy is, some of the reasons for using empathy, see some examples in scripture of using empathy, and learn how to have and improve empathy.

The world needs more Christians who show genuine empathy. We all need people who will show true love, comfort, and compassion to people in pain. This is nothing new. Even in biblical times, David struggled to find comfort and empathy in those around him.

“Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none.” Psalm 69:20 (NIV)

As Christians, we need to be the ones excelling in this area and setting the example. After all, we are called to follow Jesus, and he demonstrated empathy as did God, himself.

What exactly is empathy?

In short, empathy is the ability to:

  • Recognize emotions of others
  • Understand emotions of others
  • Participate in emotions of others

Empathy has a thought component (imagining or reflecting on the perspective of another) and a feelings component (an understanding of and participation in the emotions of another).

The following are some dictionary definitions of empathy:

  • Ability to understand and share the feelings of another
  • Action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner
  • Psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another

Empathy is also demonstrated by the ability to have understanding, compassion, sensitivity, and tact in addition to showing support for others both in word and action.

Here are some great, short video clips that explain empathy:

Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence

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Empathy…The Filter We ALL Need

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Empathy…The Filter We ALL Need

Recently, we discussed the importance of showing intentional kindness due to the world becoming more rude, uncivil, divisive, and lacking compassion. As divisiveness grows, polarization prevails, and kindness dissipates, there has also been a decline and loss of empathy. We’re seeing an unfortunate culture shift. There has been recent scientific research supporting the idea that people are caring less and less for others and more for themselves. One study found that levels of empathy significantly declined among young people from 1979 to 2009.[1]

Although, we probably don’t need a scientific study to tell us this when we can just look around at interactions taking place in the world around us and see the cruelty and apathy firsthand. People are becoming more desensitized, and harshness, coldness, callousness, and a lack of compassion are becoming the standard.

As divisiveness grows, polarization prevails, and kindness dissipates, there has also been a decline and loss of empathy.

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The Bible warns us about a decrease in empathy

Multiple places in scripture say that in the last days people will be scoffing, selfish, narcissistic, cruel, hardhearted, uncaring, insensitive, and lacking self-control, compassion, and love for those around them.

“Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold.” Matthew 24:12 (NLT)

“You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!” 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NLT)

“Most importantly, I want to remind you that in the last days scoffers will come, mocking the truth and following their own desires.” 2 Peter 3:3 (NLT)

“They told you that in the last times there would be scoffers whose purpose in life is to satisfy their ungodly desires. These people are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They follow their natural instincts because they do not have God’s Spirit in them.” Jude 1:18-19 (NLT)

Some recent personal experiences of an empathy deficit

Unfortunately, I’ve had some recent experiences of seeing an empathy deficit firsthand…by a doctor, a family member, and a student. Continue reading →

Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller

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Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller! - Great post from HappyHealthyandProsperous.com

Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller

Most people are drawn to the type of people who make others feel taller not smaller.  People like to be around other people who make them feel better about themselves.  In general, people pull away from and don’t like to be around those who make them feel bad about themselves.  Nobody likes to be around people who are cruel, mean, and rude (especially if that’s their typical nature most of the time).  This type of behavior is a sure-fire way to cut people out of your life!  It’s like the wrong end of a magnet repelling people…pushing them away instead of drawing them in.

People are drawn to those who make them feel good about themselves.  On a side note…Did you know that’s a significant factor in why many people have affairs?  It’s not that they necessarily like the other person that much.  It’s that they like themselves better when they’re around that person.  In affairs, those other people (i.e. affair partners) make them feel better about themselves.  

People like to be around other people who make them feel better about themselves.

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Someone made me feel smaller

I have been around people who have made me feel smaller NOT taller on a number of occasions.  Several years ago, I was involved in a situation that, quite honestly, made me feel like crap.  I was around someone who felt the need to “tell me the truth” because “true friends tell the truth”.  It made me feel very badly about myself, about how I looked, and about the mistakes I made.  I honestly felt I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I tried, that too was criticized.  It had a tendency to make me dread being around this person in particular.  Have you ever felt like that?  It’s pretty miserable.  Thankfully, I’m getting better about dealing with these feelings (okay…after a few tearful moments), but the initial feelings are very real nonetheless.

After being on the receiving end of hurtful situations like this, I wanted to make sure that I’M not a person who does this to others.  I wanted to be sure I was the kind of person that will make others feel taller not smaller.  So, I compiled a list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” of practical steps that each of us can take to make sure we are NOT the kind of person that is like the wrong end of a magnet that repels people.  (I actually compiled this list on my phone at 3:00 am in the morning after the bad experience I mentioned earlier because I couldn’t sleep due to being so hurt and angry!)

I, too, have been guilty of making others feel smaller, not taller

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Promote Unity

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Promote unity

In last week’s post we talked about God’s desire for unity among his people and his intentions and will for us to be peacemakers. We discussed how that if God desires unity, then we can expect opposition from Satan striving to instigate division and strife. The devil will set up some very tempting traps that can easily and sometimes unknowingly lure us right into division. We previously discussed some ways to evaluate ourselves and our intentions in order to avoid Satan’s traps of engaging in divisive behavior. In this post we’ll address some practical ways to create and promote unity and how to avoid activities or communication that would produce strife or division.

This is by no means an exhaustive or comprehensive list of all of the possible and effective strategies for promoting unity. However, these are a few practical things that we can each start putting into practice right now in our everyday lives as we engage with others. We can all do better to engage in and promote unity with the people we encounter both in person and online.

Unity IS possible…because of Jesus

First we need to realize that the ability to have and promote unity is possible. There can be unity in and because of Jesus Christ. He took two very opposing groups of people and created unity. With Jesus it is possible to remove hostility and bring peace.

“But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death.” Ephesians 2:13-16 (NLT)

I loved this quote that I read in one of my Bible reading plans:

“Unity is a keystone element of Jesus’ work on the cross. You have likely experienced the devastatingly divisive power of sin. Sin separates us from God and from each other. But at the cross, Jesus demolished the divisive power of sin. That is why the whole point of Christ’s work was to reconcile that which was pulled apart.

Stories from the book of Acts also show us that God’s work multiplies unity. In so many places throughout Acts, powerful moves of God are associated with believers being of one heart and mind. This unity was not only of a spiritual nature, but also a tangible and visible unity with solutions to real-world problems.

…God is looking for opportunities to multiply unity, because work done in unity among the people of God releases the power of God.”[1]

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A keystone, like unity, holds things together

It mentions that “unity is a keystone element”. A keystone is the central stone at the top of an arch that holds and locks it all together. Keystones reconcile or bring two sides together holding them in a stable position. God did this kind of reconciling on earth through his son, Jesus. Because of what Jesus did we were united back to God and can be united back with people. Operating in unity and peace instead of division, strife, and hostility IS possible!

Love can create and promote unity

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